To myself

Today, marked another heart broken day of my life. It wasn't that hurtful compared to the previous ones, but more to 不甘心. My ego is high, that I can't afford to be rejected. Am I not good enough? Why am I being rejected again and again? I know I did not set my heart right before God, that's why everything is not in my favor?

Father, I'm desperate, why is all these happening to me? Where is my breakthrough? What is my purpose in life? Who am I? How can I be better? I really don't know who to cry to. I'm not use to talking out my feelings, I always tell people I'm strong, actually I know I'm not. I'm just an ordinary girl who has a soft heart that easily be broken.

God, I know that from the start You're always there for me, You never leave, You were there all the times, waiting for me to turn back. Father, I know, thank you for speaking to me, reminding me that You are always there no matter what happens.

Father, help me, I got training and test tomorrow, I know I need to study, but I can't help, I just couldn't focus. Father, help me, heal my broken heart. I want a breakthrough. I want to be the one standing out there sharing testimony on how God changed me. I want to be extraordinary. How can I be the daughter You are proud of?

God, help me. :( 

Thoughts

我常常在想，那些人是如何写写自己的想法而出名，到出书，我也很想，如果写写自己的想法又能让你赚钱，那该多好啊。

真的觉得自己很一事无成。很想让自己干件大事，但又不知从何开始。唉。加油，LXF!

2017

2017年来到尾声了，除了自己换了份工，其他的还是一事无成。值得一提的是我去了多几个国家，扩大了视野，但心里不是很满足。我总觉得自己是应该做一些大事的人。我真的很想有份自己的事业，但又不知道应该从哪开始。

想开自己的event planning,但又没本钱，想做代购，但又没对象。
想学新才艺，又没钱和时间。
我真的应该好好学习如何打理自己的财政。钱总是不够用，又整天乱花，明明就有很多债务要还。

2018年的resolution

1. 打好自己的财政。好好做规划。
2. 减肥10公斤。一定要做到！
3. 学新的语言。
4. 学一个才艺
5. 尝试set up event planning
6. 把男神追到手。（如果可以的话）
7. Serve in church or connect (worship team)

我很想发泄。其实自己还没把他放下，时不时会想起他，常常会想讯息他，看看他会不会回我，但我知道，我不该犯贱，我值得更好的，不要为他执着。可是我的心就放不下，总是催眠自己一切已经过去了，我没事，但就是时不时会梦见他，梦见他离开那贱人回到我身边。明明就知道这不可能，而就算这真的发生了，我也不可能接受他，这伤害真的太大了，我的心真的负荷不了。

天父啊，这痛到底几时才会消失？我真的真的很累，不想再执着于他，I wanna move on. God, help me, I trust You in everything I do. Heal my brokenness and return my joy in life. Amen.

Congrats on your first born.

kthxbai.

1 year

18th September 2017

Time flies, its been a year since things happened. Looked back the trip, I'm amazed how I been through the 3 days 2 night with you. The feelings of being betrayed, have to kept it all to myself, never felt so alone in my life, got no one to talk to, wander around the island at night by my own, sat by the beach cry out silently by myself, thinking how to sort things out.

I felt so helpless, wanted to cry out loud but I don't want to draw attention. wanted to leave the island immediately but I couldn't be so selfish and irresponsible. I can only call Jo to let it out. It was so pain, I remembered I almost lost my breath. That night, the moon was big and round, the light shine on the beach, so beautifully. So many couple went out for a walk, by looking at them, it hurt me even more. That man I thought I will spend the rest of my life with, he talked about marriage with another girl.

I don't know how I made it for the trip, how can I kept it all by myself, pretend nothing happened and go snorkeling with you the next day. I even hold it til you finished your basketball tournament, I'm so afraid if I confronted you earlier, it will affect your performance. Even until the last moment, I still cared for you.

I find myself stupid, gave it all to you and what I get in return is accusation. Telling the third person I'm the girlfriend, turns out it became my fault, I still have to beg for your forgiveness for doing this, what stupid nonsense in this?

I tried so hard to fight for the relationship, and all I got is betrayal. Have you ever stand at my side to think for me? I'm the victim, not that f*cking b*tch. Are you that naive to believe that before she step into the relationship with you she doesn't know my existence? F*ck you, if she really don't know, I will chop off my head for you.

It's painful to even think back what you did. I kept telling myself it's over, I'm okay. The truth is I'm NOT OKAY. The memories of  us kept flashing back, as much as I wanna move on, You keep appearing in my dream. Telling me how sorry you are, and trying to fix the relationship.

Remember there is once I told you that I dreamt that you left me for a malay girl? That time you told me is all bull shit. My dream came real, you did it.

Thanks for breaking my heart. Thanks for constantly reminding me how painful it is to find out the truth. I could wish you best in everything but not that f*cking b*tch. Hope you just fell down and lost your f*cking baby, or when you do your final check up, then realize your baby died of strangling by the uterus, and you will have to go through the labor pain and born a dead fetus. Yes I am cruel. F*CK YOU B*TCH!

I wonder how long would I take to forgive you? I don't know. I know I shouldn't have these thoughts, but I somehow just hope that your bitch will just miscarriage. Sorry for saying these, but seeing the two of you enjoying life and I have to take all the hurt, carry it all by my own, its so unfair. You are like splashing salt over my wounds.

I can proudly says that I don't love you anymore, but the hurts is still there, pain is still there. So in short time, before it fully heals, I don't think I can easily forgive you. Could you please also, don't walk into my dream?

You wanna know how am I doing? I'm fine. I'm good. Enjoying life. Single life is good. I got friends and family that supports me. I am OK.

Kthxbai.

该放下吗？

真心觉得和你的距离越来越远。还是说，从来都没近过？总觉得你在避开我，是我太急进了,把你吓跑了？

呜呜呜，可不可以不要对我酱冷淡？我希望这次回去可以见你一面。哪怕是那么一下。

或许我该放下这段单恋？ :(

林孝芬，你要让自己进步，变得成功，那么爱情会自己来了。请务必要再瘦个10kg!! 加油咯！一定要成为女神！！